


I Will Remember You

by chasingthenight



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, how do I tag this?, in which i kill people, kiho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-07 14:32:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8804596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingthenight/pseuds/chasingthenight
Summary: Kihyun will never forget the day that Shin Hoseok moved into the empty dorm across the hall, tearing into his life like a comet falls through space.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jjokkiri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjokkiri/gifts).



> Please ignore the awful summary that isn't really a summary. I didn't want to give anything away (and I'm just really bad at summaries). LOTS OF ANGST WITH THIS ONE. I WILL YANK YOU AROUND BY YOUR HEARTSTRINGS-- at least that's the goal. Also.... gifting this to Iri because I am Satan and Iri is an Angel who deserves presents.
> 
> Also also.... note that there is a difference between what's in italics and what's in normal text. Both pertain to separate character points of view and different periods in time-- neither of which will be revealed because spoilers.

His heart stops and he’s only aware of it because, moments later, he can feel the way it shatters in his chest and for several hours after, he wonders when he’s going to die. Death has to be coming for him; the world wouldn’t be so cruel to him, it wouldn’t make him suffer like this. He can’t breathe, the vice around his chest so tight that inhaling is nearly impossible and it hurts more than it should, like the broken pieces of his heart or trying to burrow into his lungs-- and any breath he does take is accompanied by tears upon tears upon tears. He feels nothing but absolute agony, nothing but pain, and his entire world has gone quiet as though his head is caught in a fishbowl full of water.

Then comes the numbness, the emotionlessness, the denial that this is all real and that this isn’t some sort of awful nightmare that his body is using to punish him for yet another night of drinking. It lasts for days, days that pass by in a haze of questions that he doesn’t remember answering and falling asleep at night with tears in his eyes and a hole in his heart. He feels so goddamn empty and so goddamn guilty and they both tear him down until there’s nothing left but an empty space where a bright and vibrant soul once lived.

*   *   *

 _Kihyun will never forget the day that Shin Hoseok moved into the empty dorm across the hall, tearing into his life like a comet falls through space. But how could he ever forget. Minhyuk had been talking, for months, about one of his childhood friends transferring universities and possibly moving into the same dorm building; nothing had been able to contain his excitement when he learned that he’d be literal steps away, just across the hall and close enough to bother at all hours of the day or night. Kihyun had to threaten to throw his phone out the window to get him to shut up-- though, that had only been effective for about five minutes before Minhyuk realized the threat was an empty one and went off on another tangent. But what Kihyun will remember most is how absolutely gorgeous and charming Shin Hoseok had been, how gorgeous he_ is _, despite the sweat that plastered his dip-dyed blue bangs to his forehead and the mismatched tee and sweats that clung to all the right parts of his body. Hoseok had come into his life so hard and so fast that there will be no forgetting him._

_They-- they being Kihyun and Minhyuk-- are on their way back to their shared dorm after the end of their last class when it happens. Minhyuk is in the middle of babbling about his statistics class and the supposed idiot he sits in front of when he goes quiet. Kihyun almost doesn’t notice, having tuned him out somewhere between the lunch hall and their dorm building and hasn’t been listening for the better part of the last five minutes. But a quiet Minhyuk is a Minhyuk that is up to no good and Kihyun forces himself out of his thoughts just as--_

_“Hoseok!” Minhyuk’s tendency to screech when he’s over excited will never cease to catch Kihyun off guard and even after knowing Minhyuk for the better part of the past two semesters-- after learning most of his likes and dislikes and those little habits that make Minhyuk who he is-- the sudden noise still makes him jump. It doesn’t help that he’s more interested in the group chat for his business class than the conversation with his best friend. Unfortunately, Kihyun doesn’t get the chance to scold him because Minhyuk is already at the other end of the hall, clinging to the blue-haired wonder like a koala. “Hoseok, you’re here!”_

_Kihyun decides he doesn’t care and scolds him anyway, abandoning the group chat and stuffing his phone into his pocket. “Lee Minhyuk! If you get us in trouble with the RAs one more time this quarter, I swear to god I will hang you out of the window by your toes.”_

_He can see Minhyuk whisper something to the blue-haired stranger and he might be thankful he can’t hear because he’s considering keeping good on his threat this time._

_“This is Hoseok,” Minhyuk says, ignoring what he knows are empty promises and smiling like an idiot as he introduces his friend._

_“I figured as much,” Kihyun says and ducks into a bow low enough to be polite. “Hi--” He looks up, then, and it’s like his voice has been stolen from him. The male in front of him, Minhyuk’s friend, is absolutely gorgeous, except gorgeous might not be quite the right word-- but how does someone describe a stranger who looks like a god that should be up on a pedestal without saying as much. “Uhmm…. I’m Kihyun.”  There’s that. Good job, Kihyun._

_“I figured as much,” Hoseok parrots back with a cheeky little grin that catched Kihyun off guard and has heat searing across his cheeks. “Minhyuk talks about you all the time. It’s like you live with him or something.”_

_Hoseok is trying to be funny, and he is, and Kihyun might laugh if he weren’t trying so goddamn hard to remember how to breathe. All he manages is a shy smile and a meager nod before he’s reaching out to tug on Minhyuk’s sleeve as if to say please let’s go before I do something else stupid.Whether or not Minhyuk notices, he still saves Kihyun from embarrassing himself._

_“We should go,” Minhyuk says and Hoseok looks so disappointed. “Lots of homework and I think Kihyun has an essay due tonight.”_

_“You should come over for dinner later.” Hoseok might be inviting both of them, but his eyes never leave Kihyun and it makes him feel so small and so shy. “Mom sent more containers of kimbap than I know what to do with. You should help me eat some of them.”_

_“Sounds good. See you later. Happy unpacking.” Minhyuk turns to open their door, but Kihyun has beat him to it and is already dropping his stuff down inside the door and ducking further into the room._

_They don’t see Hoseok later. Minhyuk falls asleep on the couch after an hour into his studies and Kihyun at his desk sometime thereafter and neither wake up until they’ve got a little over an hour until their online course assignments are due. Kihyun makes a pot of coffee while Minhyuk texts Hoseok an apology. They settle down with promises to keep each other awake until tonight’s work is done and they’ve made some headway on what’s due tomorrow and the following night because their classes run late the next few days and their time will be limited._

*   *   *

Never has he ever felt something so deeply that it ripped his soul to pieces from the inside out, shattered even the shattered pieces until there’s nothing left but dust to be blown away by the wind. His heart is empty and his head is filled with nothing but memories that leave him breathless and in tears. Every part of him aches deep in his bones and leaves him so, so tired.

It’s been a week since he’d last left the house, and even that trip had been against his will; he barely gets himself out of bed in the morning and he can’t find the will to sleep at night. It’s been three days since his last meal, three days since he’d thrown up the bagel his mom had brought him for breakfast, three days since he’d given up on dinner before even touching it. He has to be forced to drink water, threatened with hospital visits because he can’t just let himself go like this. It works, mostly, and he drinks whatever his mom brings him, if only to make her happy because he can’t blame her for trying.

He wants to be happy, he wants to smile like he knows he should when his family tries to cheer him up or when they share a happy memory, but all he can produce are tears. Eventually they learn not to bother him, to leave him alone when he curls up in bed or on the couch or when he cries at random hours or all hours of the day.

*   *   *

_Kihyun soon learns that Hoseok is not a god meant to be on a pedestal; he is Satan in the flesh. Where Kihyun is regimented and studious and hardworking, Hoseok is carefree and nonchalant and the worst procrastinator Kihyun has ever met. Oh, and a party boy. That cannot be missed, not when there’s an obnoxious amount of noise coming from across the hall every other night when Kihyun is trying to study or sleep. He is Satan, because only Satan could make so many friends in just the first few days at a new school. He is Satan, because he has the RAs wrapped around his finger after just a week and all of Kihyun’s complaints go unheard. Shin Hoseok is Satan-- but why does he have to be so goddamn gorgeous?_

_They often cross paths after lunch when Kihyun stops by his dorm to trade out his books and grab lunch and Hoseok is just leaving for his afternoon classes, typically looking like he had just rolled out of bed. Then there are the nights Minhyuk invites Hoseok over to study and they end up goofing around more than studying and Kihyun is forced to retreat to his room or take his books out into the commons; sometimes they order pizza, which only makes it that much harder to focus. It only takes a couple weeks for them to catch on and they agree that study time is not play time and that if they want to plan a game night, they need to actually_ plan _a game night. It never happens and Kihyun just lets it be. They’re happy and he really can’t complain._

_Months pass like this and some days are better than others, but eventually they adjust and Kihyun learns to take things in stride where Hoseok is involved. He’s Minhyuk’s best friend, after all. Kihyun is pretty sure that there’s a code book somewhere that says he has to like him by default. Besides, it’s not like he’s awful; his lifestyle just doesn’t match the lifestyle that Kihyun has made for himself. So Kihyun adapts where he has to and takes his study sessions into the commons or to the library when he has to-- and when it gets too cold, he hunkers down in his room with headphones pressed into his ears._

_Eventually, Hoseok is in their room more than he is his own, save for those nights he throws his parties, and Kihyun will often come back from classes and Hoseok will be sprawled out on their couch, snacking on his mom’s kimbap and pretending to read the textbook in his lap-- Minhyuk is typically nowhere to be found. Kihyun ignores him for the most part, except when Hoseok decides that he’s more interesting than food and follows him around like a puppy. After the first couple weeks, Kihyun just rolls with it and they form some odd sort of friendship where Hoseok brings him snacks after classes and keeps him company while he studies or works on his assignments. And Kihyun thinks that maybe he isn’t Satan after all._

_But there are those moments…._

 

> _[ sms from; Hoseok ] Let’s go get ice cream._

_Kihyun is in the middle of his bedtime routine when the message comes through and he snorts the best he can with a toothbrush in his mouth. Hoseok has the best timing-- or the worst, depending on your point of view._

 

> _[ sms from; Kihyun ] It’s almost midnight. It’s also the dead of winter._
> 
> _[ sms from; Hoseok ] What does that have to do with ice cream?_
> 
> _[ sms from; Kihyun ] No one is going to be selling ice cream at midnight. In the dead of winter._
> 
> _[ sms from; Hoseok ] You obviously don’t know the good ice cream places, Kihyunnie._
> 
> _[ sms from; Kihyun ] Don’t call me Kihyunnie._
> 
> _[ sms from; Hoseok ] Come get ice cream with me._
> 
> _[ sms from; Kihyun ] If I do, will you stop calling me Kihyunnie?_
> 
> _[ sms from; Hoseok ] Negotiable. Let’s go. I’m outside already._

_Kihyun rolls his eyes, but he relents and after cleaning up he throws on boots and a coat and meets Hoseok outside. He first notices that stupid grin that Hoseok always wears, that one that crinkles the corners of his eyes, the one that Kihyun will never admit looks like the sun after a month of rain. He looks pretty like that, all smiles, dressed down and relaxed in simple clothing. The second thing he notices is that Hoseok is not wearing a coat. It’s well below freezing and snow is still on the ground from the storm last week and Hoseok is outside in jeans, a sweatshirt, and sneakers; whether or not he has anything on beneath the hoodie is questionable, but if Kihyun knows him as well as he thinks he does, he knows it’s just the hoodie._

_“What the absolute hell, Hoseok?” Hoseok looks confused. Kihyun sighs, shakes his head, and elaborates. “No coat?”_

_“We’re not going that far, Kihyunnie. I’ll be alright.” There’s that stupid grin again, and Kihyun has to look away to avoid getting burned._

_“You told me you’d stop calling me that if I went to get ice cream with you.”_

_“I said it was negotiable,” Hoseok corrects, looking just as smug as he sounds-- smug and perhaps a little pretentious. “We also haven’t gotten ice cream yet.”_

_Kihyun rolls his eyes and motions for Hoseok to lead the way._

_To Kihyun’s surprise, there’s a small ice cream shop just a few blocks from their building that’s still open. It’s quiet, but it’s warm inside and the old couple who run the shop are so welcoming that Kihyun feels bad when the man has to pull a bucket of strawberries from the back because they’d started to put things away for the night. He’ll blame Hoseok for that later. After paying-- Kihyun picks up the check because Hoseok had conveniently forgotten his wallet in his room-- they take their treats and venture back outside because Kihyun doesn’t want to keep them from their work._

_“You’re insane,” Kihyun says somewhere between the shop and their building, already shivering as he puts another small spoonful in his mouth. “Ice cream. At midnight. In the dead of winter. Unbelievable.”_

_“It’s good ice cream, though, right?” Hoseok is smiling again. Kihyun can’t see it, he refuses to look, but he can hear it in his voice and it’s almost frustrating how gorgeous it sounds. He also refuses to admit that Hoseok is right and this ice cream was worth venturing out in the middle of the night in the freezing cold._

_Instead, he scoffs. “You’re still insane.”_

_Hoseok smiles again and this time Kihyun sees it. Kihyun glances his way and watches as the little grin tugs up the corners of his lips and reaches his eyes, expression bright and just as carefree as ever. Despite the chill in the air, it warms Kihyun from the inside and leaves butterflies in his stomach and_ goddammit _he should not feel like this about his best friend’s best friend. He’s pretty sure there’s a code about that, too._

_Kihyun is distracted with his thoughts about this unspoken code and what Minhyuk would think, not to mention the exam he could be studying for or the sleep he should be getting, so he doesn’t quite realize when Hoseok isn’t at his side anymore. In fact, it’s not until he runs into him that he notices much of anything. But there he is, stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, turned so that when Kihyun looks up it’s into those soft brown eyes of his._

_“Shin Hoseok, what are you--”_

_In all his life, in all his twenty years, Kihyun has been silenced by a number of things-- his parents, his siblings, teachers, friends, strangers-- but never has he ever been silenced like this, with a pair of lips pressed against his own and warm fingers dancing along his cheeks. It lasts all of five seconds, but Kihyun can’t find his breath for a long moment after. And Hoseok…. Fucking Shin Hoseok is grinning that stupid grin and Kihyun can’t find it in himself to swipe it right off his pretty face._

_“What was that?” he asks instead, voice quiet but no less sharp._

_“A kiss.”_

_“No shit, Sherlock! What was that for?”_

_“I like you?” Hoseok takes half a step back, looking a little hurt, and Kihyun regrets acting out so strongly._

_More so than that, he’s surprised and a little disbelieving. “You… what?”_

_“Dude, you’re oblivious.”_

_“What?” Yes, totally oblivious._

_“I've only been flirting with you for the past eight months.”_

_“I-”_

_“Get wrapped up in your studies,” Hoseok says on his behalf, the truth rather than some blatant lie. “It's cute, and understandable. I'm jealous of your work ethic.”_

_“Y’know.” Kihyun latches onto the only thing he can respond to in that moment, deflecting everything else in favor of chiding Hoseok. “If you'd stop goofing off with Minhyuk when we study and maybe not throw parties every week, you'd get better scores.”_

_Hoseok laughs, but it’s not his usual laugh. No, this one eats away at Kihyun’s conscience and leaves him full of guilt and regret. He realizes that even if he had responded in true Kihyun-fashion, that’s not how he should have responded. The chance to apologize and correct himself is gone, then, because Hoseok has already turned around and started off towards their building._

_“We should get back,” Hoseok calls over his shoulders. “It’s cold and you’ve got an exam in the morning.”_

Way to go, Kihyun; way to go.

*   *   *

He’s only ever worn a suit once before and that time, too, had been entirely against his will. It had been for one of his parent’s holiday parties and he’d been given the attire a mere hour before being forced out of the home. It had been hours upon hours of fidgeting with his tie and having his mom roll the sleeves down every time he’d roll them up to his elbows and his dad yelling at him every twenty minutes or so because he’d unbuttoned his shirt again. He’d been twelve then and now, eleven years later, he’s wearing a suit for reasons he’d rather not be.

It’s not even so much a suit as it is dress pants, a white button up under a black blazer, and a pink colored tie he’d fought his mom to let him wear because he’s not wearing a black tie-- not for this. He’ll wear everything else, do anything else, but his tie is his to choose. But as much of a suit as it’s not, he still doesn’t want to be in it, still doesn’t want to be out of bed, still doesn’t want to be going through the motions of today and preparing himself for the hours to come. He’s not ready for this. He’ll never be ready for this.

His mom checks on him ten minutes before they have to leave and he gives her the best smile he can muster up. She straightens the tie, chides him lovingly for the color, and wipes away the tears that streak down his cheeks for the umpth time that morning. It’s not even ten and he’s already exhausted. She kisses his forehead, tells him that everything will be okay and that he should finish because they’ll have to leave soon.

*   *   *

_Yoo Kihyun hates parties. Yoo Kihyun isn’t a party-goer and he doesn’t enjoy ruining his liver with an obscene amount of alcohol consumption and he doesn’t see the point of spending a night in a stupor when he could be reading through his class syllabus and getting pre-first-day homework finished. He doesn’t want to go, but Minhyuk doesn’t know how to take no for an answer and practically drags Kihyun from their dorm room late one Friday night. Minhyuk ignores Kihyun’s grumbles the entire, but eventually tells him that it’s their last hoorah before the start of the year and that they need to enjoy themselves before they get sucked into another semester of homework and tests and papers._

_The first floor of their building is loud when they arrive, a volume Kihyun is surprised that he hadn’t heard from the top floor, and only seems to increase in volume the longer they’re there. Minhyuk presses a drink into Kihyun’s hand just moments after they step into the commotion and disappears just as fast, leaving Kihyun to his own devices. He debates making his escape then, but decides that Minhyuk would find out and drag him back. So he takes his drink and finds an open couch and claims a cushion as his own. If he’s going to suffer, at least he can enjoy it while watching the rest of his building-mates make fools of themselves._

_There’s no surprise when, no more than two hours later, Kihyun catches sight of Hoseok as he weaves through the other party-goers, obviously drunk and with no obvious intentions of slowing down-- what is surprising is that he hadn’t found him earlier. Parties like this are Hoseok’s thing and Kihyun wouldn’t put it past him to have had a hand in planning this so-called event. So here he is, a drink in hand and a devilish but distant look in his eye and Kihyun can’t help keeping an eye on him as he travels from person to person and his actions become less and less coordinated. Kihyun might think he’s Satan, but that doesn’t mean he can’t look out for his best friend’s best friend._

_Besides, he can’t stop thinking about that cold winter night last semester when Hoseok had kissed him. It’s been over six months since then and in those six months Kihyun has lingered a lot on that moment. It had interrupted his studies, those nights that Hoseok would join him and Minhyuk and Kihyun would spend the night locked up in his room just to avoid looking at him. He’d memorized Hoseok’s schedule and avoided coming home at certain hours just so he wouldn’t chance running into him. There had been weeks where he spent more time at the library than in his own apartment, days where he only saw Minhyuk in the mornings on his way out the door or in the one class they shared. Summer had been easy enough, but now that the school year is back in swing Kihyun realizes he has to make a decision-- suck it up or spend the next three years avoiding Hoseok._

_The decision is made for him when a body drops down on the couch a little too close to him, jostling him in his seat. It’s Hoseok, even tipsier than he had been before and with two drinks in hand. The blue in his hair is gone, but the blonde remains, a dark blonde that looks almost dirty._

_“Hey there, hot stuff.” He leans into Kihyun’s side, effectively sloshing some of the contents of his cup onto Kihyun’s lap. Kihyun pretends he doesn’t care. “Drink?”_

_“No thanks.”_

_“It’s coke.” But Kihyun is having a hard time believing him, what with the way he slurs his words and how unfocused his stare is. “Or mostly coke. Someone stole the bottle of Jack before I could finish.”_

_“No thanks,” Kihyun repeats, a little more forceful this time._

_“Oh, c’mon, Kihyunnie. One drink isn’t going to kill you.”_

_“It might. You never know. You could have put poison in it.”_

_As if proving a point, Hoseok takes a sip before offering the cup to Kihyun again._

_“Fine.” Kihyun relents and takes the cup before Hoseok can spill any more in his lap; he smells enough like booze as it is. “But stop calling me Kihyunnie.”_

_Hoseok responds with a grunt as he settles into the couch and brings his cup to his lips. If only because it’s polite and his mother raised him to be respectful, Kihyun takes a drink of what had been brought for him. A new warmth settles in his belly and he relaxes a little more, only just bothered by the weight of Hoseok that presses into his side. It’s a party. He should just be glad that it’s a friend and not some handsy stranger who can’t take no for an answer-- or Minhyuk._

_“About last semester.” Hoseok’s voice breaks the silence that had fallen between them and just barely makes it through the music that somehow continues to increase in volume._

_“Can we not talk about that?” Kihyun replies, gaze turn down and into his cup and the contents that remain._

_Hoseok sighs and continues anyway. “I just wanted to apologize. I shouldn’t have kissed you out of the blue like that. It was out of line and I’m sorry.”_

_“I’m not.” Kihyun is only alerted to the fact that he’d spoken out loud when Hoseok lifts his head and fixes him with a curious stare. It takes him a moment to figure it out, but when he does his cheeks darken and he presses his free hand to his face in disbelief. “I just mean….”_

_He doesn’t get a chance to tell Hoseok what he means because Hoseok is pulling him into his arms and pressing a kiss to his lips. This one is far less chaste than their previous encounter, but Kihyun doesn’t exactly mind. The warmth against his mouth adds to the warmth in his belly and he feels the urge to lean in rather than pull away._

_Hoseok tastes sweet, like candy, oddly like Kihyun had imagined he’d taste-- not that he thought often about kissing Hoseok enough that he could taste him. No. Of course not. Beneath that sweetness is the bite of alcohol. Kihyun doesn’t mind that either, but it does remind him that Hoseok is drunk and he himself is not as tipsy but still intoxicated. He needs to make his choices carefully._

_Kihyun isn’t entirely sure how he ends up in Hoseok’s bed, stripped of his clothing and allowing himself to be pressed into the sheets by a pair of strong arms. He doesn’t remember leaving the party, doesn’t remember telling Minhyuk that he was going first, and he certainly doesn’t remember following Hoseok upstairs and into the room across the hall from his own. He’s only vaguely aware that his lips are chapped, vaguely aware of the mark that Hoseok suckles onto his neck and of the bite of pain as Hoseok presses into him. Hoseok brushes away all clarity and, with it, everything he had sworn to do between the beginning of the party and when he finally settled in for bed. None of it seems to matter now._

_When he sneaks across to his own apartment the next morning-- a walk of shame where he hadn’t bothered to put his shoes on, much less run even his fingers through his bed-tossed hair-- he returns to Minhyuk sitting on their couch, arms crossed over his shoulders. The smirk he wears is almost insulting, but Kihyun says nothing, gives no response, and disappears into his room where he spends the rest of the day dividing his time between texting Hoseok and the homework he should have finished last night._

*   *   *

When his mom calls up to him some fifteen minutes later that they’re going to be late, he hasn’t moved from the bed and he’s wiping yet another round of tears from his cheeks. It’s okay to cry, right? On days like these, he thinks it’s okay to cry, but he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to do any of this, but he has to. Even if he knows that no one is going to blame him for his tears, he hates wet on his skin and how weak it makes him feel. So he wipes his face and stuffs a package of travel tissues in his pocket before meeting his parents downstairs.

His father’s suit mirrors his own and his mother’s dress matches the tie he refuses to wear, dark and well fitted, appropriate for today’s activities. They both wear somber expressions, but he just thinks they look guilting and apologetic, a pity that he has been subject to all week. He allows his mother to straighten his clothing again and listens quietly as she chides him for the pink tie that hangs from his neck. Then he’s being ushered out the door and while he’s less than willing, he goes along because he’s too tired to fight.

*   *   *

_After just a week into the new semester, Kihyun is piled with more homework and more long-term assignments than he knows how to handle. He’d known that majoring in music and music production would be taxing, but he had never imagined that so many math and language arts courses would be required for his degree. Between language arts and calculus and that goddamn Latin class, not to mention taking French-two on top of that-- why had he decided that studying two languages in one year would be a good idea?-- Kihyun has little time for anything other than homework and studying. There’s little time to sit down for meals with Minhyuk or hang out in the commons for game night; he can’t even sneak in thirty minutes to get ice cream with Hoseok._

_Kihyun feels bad, too. After their one night together, Kihyun had barely said two words to him in the days that followed and when Hoseok approached him about it at dinner one Friday night, he’d thought Kihyun was upset with him. Again. Kihyun explains himself and even shows Hoseok his schedule as proof._

_“Jesus Christ, Kihyun.” Hoseok snatches the paper from the table and eyes it, scrutinizing the course schedule as though maybe he’d missed something. Eventually, he sets the paper back on the cafeteria table and looks up at Kihyun, eyes wide. “Eight classes this semester?” Kihyun shrugs. “When do you have time to sleep? Or eat? Or… I dunno, be human?!” Kihyun shrugs again, this time because he’d taken a bite out of his cheeseburger and has better manners and knows not to talk with his mouth full. “How did you even get approval for this?”_

_Only when Kihyun has swallowed the bite of food does he speak. “I had to meet certain standards last semester to get the dean’s approval. I exceeded his expectations and he still considered denying my request. I practically had to beg him to sign the papers.” Part of him might regret it, but mostly, he knows it’ll pay off in the long run._

_“This is awful,” Hoseok whines, looking at the page again. “Did you have to suck his dick or something for this?”_

_“Shin Hoseok!” Kihyun nearly chokes on the fry he’d shoved in his mouth, voice loud and resounding as it bounces off the brick walls and plays around the entire room; several other students glance his way, but most of them pay him no mind. “I would never!” He snatches the paper back, then, and tucks it in the front of his planner and shoves the book back in his bag. “And I plan on graduating early, so I will more than happily suffer if it means one less year of hell.”_

_Hoseok keeps Kihyun company while he eats, bickering with him over his schedule and trying to find time to spend with him that doesn’t involve sitting in the same room with him while he zones out and pays more attention to his books than anything else. Before Kihyun gets up to leave for his creative writing class, they agree that Thursdays will be the easiest, because Kihyun spends Saturdays with his family and Sundays are set aside for sleep and studying and the rest of his schedule is too tight for anything else._

_They make a routine of meeting in the cafeteria for dinner on Fridays when Kihyun has a few hours to kill between Literature and Creative Writing. Most of that three hours is spent with Kihyun pouring over the assignments that are due on Monday and telling himself that whatever story he’d written isn’t good enough-- and Hoseok watches, encourages, and makes sure Kihyun gets enough to eat because he doesn’t seem to be eating enough these days. Sometimes Minhyuk joins them, but he’s busy with classes, too, and he’d made new friends in his composition class and often spends break times with them instead. And Kihyun can’t blame him because Minhyuk needs more friends that aren’t him or Hoseok or the kid in the apartment next door that they only see once in a blue moon._

_It goes on like this for weeks, months, and their only hiccup comes when Kihyun is hit with numerous unit exams in one week and he opts to spend lunch hour in the library instead of eating with Hoseok. It only takes a couple days before Hoseok starts sneaking sandwiches and snacks into the library for Kihyun to eat because he can’t live off of midnight meals of ramen forever. By the time the librarians notice, Kihyun’s exams are over and they’re back to eating lunch in the cafeteria like normal students._

_On the rare occasion, the three of them are able to spend a quiet night together, eating whatever homecooked meal Hoseok’s mom had sent them and watching movies or playing video games. One such night comes in late November after a long day of snowfall preceded by freezing rain. The campus had been closed and Kihyun’s mom cancelled their plans because travelling was too dangerous. So they fix up the soup that Hoseok brings over and break into the stash of alcohol they keep around for those nights they can’t seem to focus._

_After a couple hours, Kihyun decides that his time could be better spent studying and getting a head start on tomorrow’s work, so he retires to his room and settles into a late night study session. Not an hour later, when Kihyun is just starting to understand his calculus assignment, Hoseok slips into his room, tugging the door closed behind him._

_“Get bored with the movie already?” Kihyun asks, glancing up from his book for only a moment._

_“Nah,” Hoseok shakes his head and drops down onto the end of the bed. “Minhyuk fell asleep so I sent him to bed and then decided I wasn’t ready to go home.”_

_Kihyun laughs, but he doesn’t put his work aside; he’s become good at balancing homework and conversations with Hoseok. “So watching me study is a better alternative?”_

_Hoseok is quiet for a moment and Kihyun begins to question the silence, but before he can get a word in he feels the male’s breath ghost over his cheek, voice right there in his ear. “I was hoping maybe I could distract you from studying for a little while.”_

_Never before has Kihyun abandoned his studies so fast. He’d like to say it’s because he’s tired or that he doesn’t want to stare at numbers any longer, but that would be a lie. It’s been almost three months since they’d first fallen into bed together and close to a week since Hoseok had stolen a kiss from Kihyun while waiting for his friday night class to let out. While Kihyun is not a sexual person, while he could care one way or another how often he had sex, the thought of letting Hoseok distract him for the remainder of the night is too enticing to pass up._

_Hoseok is gentle as he presses Kihyun into the sheets, lips sinfully sweet as they steal the breath from his lungs. Kihyun makes quiet noises in return for the way Hoseok touches him, for the warmth of his hands against his hips, against his thighs, and how their fingers slot together too perfectly-- quiet, because Minhyuk is in the next room and while he might be sleeping, thin walls won’t keep them from waking him._

_When Kihyun’s heart no longer feels like it might beat out of his chest and when he can breathe again without having the air stolen from his lungs, Kihyun curls up against Hoseok and lets the warmth of his arms envelope him. He’s hot and sticky, they both are, but he can’t find the energy to get out of bed and at least clean up. Hoseok remedies that when he finds the box of tissues next to Kihyun’s bed and takes liberties in cleaning them both off the best he can._

_“Will you go out with me?” The question is sudden, Hoseok’s quiet voice breaking the silence that had fallen between them._

_“What?”_

_“For such a smarty pants, you sure do say ‘what’ a lot.” Hoseok smiles and presses another kiss to his lips anyway. “Will you go out with me? Y’know… be my boyfriend and all that?”_

_Kihyun flushes a deep pink, cheeks wonderfully warm and rosy and it’s a shame that Hoseok can’t see much of it in the dim light from Kihyun’s desk. “I should kick you for asking that after sex,” he teases, but eventually the wide grin on his lips softens and he nods. “I’d love that, being your boyfriend and_ all that. _”_

_Hoseok smiles one of his sunshines smiles and presses yet another, firmer kiss to Kihyun’s lips._

_“Fucking finally.” A voice, Minhyuk’s voice, from the other room startles both boys and Kihyun brings a hand to his own mouth to stifle the laugh that catches in his throat. “Now shut up and go to sleep or take your sexy times elsewhere.”_

_Kihyun allows himself to laugh then, the sound muffled as he presses his face into Hoseok’s chest. Hoseok laughs, too, and responds to Minhyuk with a ‘get use to it’ before settling back against the male in his arms. They fall asleep like that, and it becomes a frequent thing though not always following a tumble in the sheets-- sometimes it’s been a long day and they just need a couple hours to escape and they just so happen to find comfort in each other’s arms. And maybe, perhaps, they like getting on Minhyuk’s nerves._

_****_

_The semester is not easy on any of them, but Kihyun is the one who often contemplates giving up and spending the rest of his life waiting tables in his father’s restaurant. Hoseok and Minhyuk are the ones who keep him going, encouraging him, supporting him in all the ways he needs support. They attend his concerts, read all his creative pieces, accompany him when he burns the midnight oil at the piano, and even attend those little monthly progress performances that they can never remember the name of. Eventually, Kihyun learns which lectures he can skip on what days and still pass and he irons out his study system until it’s almost flawless._

_Exams are spent in a sleepless stupor, surviving off of power naps and double-shot espressos from the campus cafe. They don’t see much of each other and Kihyun spends the better part of an entire week in his room, only appearing briefly for meals, showers, and when he has those random meetings with some of his professors. But his friends don’t seem to notice, and if they do they don’t seem to mind because they’re just as busy themselves. Their conversations happen through text messages and brief conversations in the hall on their way to the library or on their way back to their rooms. It goes on like this for a month before, finally, it’s all over._

_At the end of his final exam, Kihyun returns home and he wants nothing more than to curl up in bed and sleep for the next twenty-four hours. But he and Minhyuk aren’t in their apartment for more than five minutes when Hoseok barges in, no knock, and drags Kihyun across the hall. Kihyun doesn’t fight him. Minhyuk stares out the open door and doesn’t dare question it._

_Hoseok has Kihyun in a lip lock before his door is even closed, one hand curled into his hair, the other holding him by his hip as he kisses him with a fervor that leaves the boy’s head spinning. He’d seen this coming. Kihyun would have been stupid to think that Hoseok wouldn’t have wanted time with him after not seeing much of him for the better part of the past couple weeks. While Kihyun won’t complain, it’s nice to kiss Hoseok again and not have to worry about the precious seconds he’s not using to study, but he’s tired and he just wants to rest._

_“Not tonight, Hoseok,” Kihyun says when he feels the male’s fingers dip beneath the hem of his jeans. “We can fool around all we want over break, but I’m exhausted and I just want to sleep.”_

_If Hoseok is disappointed, he doesn’t show it. He simply nods, pulls Kihyun into his room, and curls up with him in his bed. They sleep the evening away and they only wake once to remove a layer of clothing because sharing body heat is more than enough to keep them warm through the night. When they wake the next day, it’s after noon and neither of them are all that excited to be awake at all, so they spend a few more hours in bed, dozing on and off, before Kihyun returns to his own room to pack up his things to take home for break._

_Over break, Kihyun learns that Hoseok’s parents don’t live too far from his own and they spend most nights together. Kihyun brings Hoseok home to meet his parents; Hoseok takes Kihyun to his mom’s cafe where she fusses over him for the better part of two hours before they excuse themselves to go shopping for presents. Christmas is nothing spectacular, just a quiet day spent enjoying each other’s company-- not to mention a tumble in Kihyun’s bed when his parents leave for some party. It’s a quiet month and they enjoy every second of it._

_The following semester passes much faster, much smoother. Though Kihyun had passed all eight of his classes with high marks, he’s learned his lesson and had come to the decision that he’d rather suffer an extra year in school than go through that hell again. He takes a much more reasonable number of classes, topping out at five with two of them meeting just once a week for a couple hours. He gets to spend more time with Hoseok and Minhyuk and even helps set Minhyuk up with the guy from his composition course from the previous semester, the one he’d babbled on about all winter break; they start dating the next week._

_The start of their senior year brings many new changes. Kihyun and Minhyuk start internships at the same small entertainment company, leaving campus twice a month and venturing into the city for their studies; Hoseok, who had spent the better part of the past two years working hard, starts an internship with a small business firm, and he’s gone one night a week. Halfway through the first semester, Minhyuk moves in with Jooheon who lives in a complex on the edge of the city. Hoseok moves into the same complex a month later and talks Kihyun into moving in with him-- and Kihyun only agrees because the apartment building sits halfway between school and his internship and it seems logical to live there._

_They’re going places, doing things, and Kihyun couldn’t be happier._

*   *   *

He’s quiet as he sits in the back seat of his father’s car, watching the city as it passes by, thinking of how odd it is to know that all these people have no idea. They just don’t know. It seems strange that the city moves as a whole, as if it’s a living and breathing thing itself, and the misfortune of one person or even a small group of people doesn’t slow it down. It’s business as usual. Children laugh, shops and stores and restaurants cater to customers. Life goes on. Life simply goes on.

There’s chatter in the front seat, not that he pays much attention. They don’t know how he feels, how much he doesn’t want to do this, and that he’d rather sit in silence than pretend he’s alright. They try to engage him, ask him questions, but all it does is bring tears to his eyes and make him draw further into himself. Eventually, his parents leave him be and converse between themselves and he returns to staring out the window as the city passes by, oblivious and unknowing.

*   *   *

_“Hoseok, you need to stop!”_

_Currently, Hoseok has his lips pressed to the crook of Kihyun’s neck as Kihyun sits at his computer, half a dozen books open around him, just as many notebooks tucked between the pages. Hoseok is trying to distract him from his studies and Kihyun isn’t having any of it. His former blue-haired wonder-- his hair has been back to it’s natural dark brown for the last six months or so-- might be done with all his finals, might have passed all his courses with flying colors, and might be graduating near the top of his program, but Kihyun still has three more exams to take and each of them will make or break him graduating next month._

_Hoseok doesn’t seem to get it._

_“You’ve been studying for hours,” Hoseok murmurs, relentless in his antics. “Take a break; an hour isn’t going to kill you. I know that you already know all of this by heart.”_

_Kihyun doesn’t fight him because it’s true. He’s always studied hard, committed things to memory, and most of what he needs to recall are simply second nature now. But that doesn’t mean he’s not going to pour over his books until he’s one-hundred percent sure he’s not missed anything._

_For a moment, however brief it might last, Hoseok pulls away and a chill brushes across the spot on his neck that Hoseok had been kissing. When he’s interrupted moments later, Hoseok is tucked beneath his desk and sitting between his legs. Kihyun loses all focus then because he can’t ignore the way that Hoseok looks up at him, can’t ignore the heat of the male’s cheek against his thigh, and he surely can’t ignore the fingers that tug at the waistband of his sweats._

_“Shin Hoseok, I swear to god--”_

_“One hour. Just step away for one hour. Distractions will help you focus better when you come back.”_

_Sometimes Kihyun wonders where the Hoseok he met had gone, the goofy kid who liked to party and play games and never had much common sense. Sometimes, Hoseok makes good points and Kihyun wonders when he’d changed so much. But then he remembers that they’ve both changed a lot since then. They’ve spent the last three years as friends, the last two as a couple, and now they’re both about to graduate and start the rest of their lives. Together._

_Kihyun sighs and pushes away from his desk. “One hour.”_

_Hoseok smiles and kisses him hard, steals the breath from his lungs and makes him forget that he has exams to study for. They make a game of it, like the usually do, pushing and pulling each other until someone breaks. It’s more than an hour before Kihyun returns to his desk, hair dripping onto the towel around his neck. He resumes his studying, listening to the quiet hum of the shower and then to the way Hoseok moves around the apartment, cleaning and gathering dirty laundry and fixing something for them to eat._

This, _Kihyun thinks with a quiet sigh._ This is how it should be.

*   *   *

Black cars and black suits and black dresses. The air they breathe is black. There’s black in their eyes and on their lips and even in the words they speak, words that he doesn’t hear and can’t be bothered to comprehend. They stare and he knows they’re watching him, whispering words of sorrow and pity and judgement, of how he’s too young, too innocent, too soft.

“I don’t want to do this.” He ducks his head, hiding his face from those who stand on the sidewalk just outside the vehicle, those who look on with remorse and sadness.

“I know, sweetie,” his mom whispers, turning around in her seat to brush the hair from his face; the smile she offers him is fake and makes him ache that much more.  “But you need to do this. For him.”

She exits the vehicle and he follows her a moment later, trailing behind her as she walks up the path and into the building. His head hangs low between his shoulders, but nothing can stop the whispers that reach his ears, the voices that call him a _poor thing_ and the voices that exude such pity that he wants to be sick. By the time he considers turning back and spending the next few hours in the backseat of the car, it’s too late.

*   *   *

_Graduation day comes that quickly. Kihyun passes all of his exams with high marks and even gets accepted to take on his internship as a full-time job starting two weeks from graduation. Minhyuk had been offered the same position and is still in the process of considering the job. Hoseok has another internship lined up and, if all goes well, they’ll take him on as a full-time partner. Jooheon still has another year or so left of courses, but he’s supporting the three of them in every way he can, which includes but is not limited to cheering them on in the days leading up to the ceremony._

_By the time they’re all announced as graduates, by the time they find each other in the crowd, Kihyun’s cheeks are sore and he’s too happy to care that Hoseok kisses him right there in the middle of everything and everyone. He’s happy and he knows Hoseok is, too, and that’s all that matters._

_“There’s this party--”_

_“Leave it to you to find the guy that’s throwing a party,” Kihyun teases._

_Hoseok smiles and shakes his head. “You should come with me and celebrate.”_

_“It sounds fun, it really does,” Kihyun replies, glancing off into the stands where he can see his mom standing on one of the seats and waving at him. “But I promised my parents this morning that I’d let them take me out to dinner. But you should go, have fun, celebrate.”_

_“I’ll meet you at home later, then?” he asks; Kihyun nods. “We can have our own celebration.”_

_Kihyun leaves with his parents and Hoseok catches a ride with another one of the graduates. They celebrate in their own ways, knowing that later they’ll come home to each other and be able to celebrate their successes together._

_Hoseok spends several hours at the after party, drinking-- thought little in comparison to old habits-- and dancing and having fun, celebrating. It’s loud and familiar and he drowns himself in it for as long as he can and it’s well after midnight when he calls Kihyun to come get him because he can’t trust that anyone here is sober to drive him home. Kihyun laughs and says he’ll be there soon._

Soon _doesn’t come and when Hoseok calls Kihyun again an hour later, there’s no answer. He tries again and still no answer, and he’s just about to try a third time when Minhyuk and Jooheon pull up. Hoseok is all smiles and a little confusion when Jooheon steps out of the car. Halfway up, Hoseok can see the way Minhyuk hunches over in the front seat, the way he presses his hands to his face and the way his shoulders shake as though he’s crying. He_ is _crying._

_“Hoseok.” There’s remorse and regret and sorrow in the way Jooheon looks at him, something that breaks his heart and leaves him with rocks in the pit of his stomach. “Hoseok… it’s Kihyun. Something’s happened.”_

_And then, in the blink of an eye, it’s all gone._

_Hoseok’s heart stops and he’s only aware of it because, moments later, he can feel the way it shatters in his chest and for several hours after, he wonders when he’s going to die. Death has to be coming for him; the world wouldn’t be so cruel to him, it wouldn’t make him suffer like this. He can’t breathe, the vice around his chest so tight that inhaling is nearly impossible and it hurts more than it should, like the broken pieces of his heart or trying to burrow into his lungs-- and any breath he does take is accompanied by tears upon tears upon tears. He feels nothing but absolute agony, nothing but pain, and his entire world has gone quiet as though his head is caught in a fishbowl full of water. Nothing Minhyuk tells him makes sense._

_Drunk driver. Car crash. They tried to save him…. already gone. Gone. Gone…._

_Kihyun is gone._

*   *   *

Hoseok doesn’t know how long he stands out in the hall, bowing his head to those who enter and those who leave and murmuring empty _thank you_ s to who offer apologies and consolations. His mom checks on him often and he visits with Kihyun’s mother for a few minutes before she returns to her husband’s side. Minhyuk and Jooheon arrive and pay their respects before keeping Hoseok company, offering him hands to hold and shoulders to cry on while the ceremony commences in the other room.

When the hall empties and everyone has left-- and Minhyuk promises Hoseok’s mother that they’ll get him home-- Hoseok decides that it’s time. He’s waited long enough and as much as he doesn’t want to stay, as much as he doesn’t want to go-- as much as he doesn’t want this to be the end--  he’s going to have to leave soon and he won’t leave without seeing him first. So he takes a deep breath, pushes himself out of his seat, and does what needs to be done.

Saying goodbye is never easy when you know it’s the final goodbye or when it’s a goodbye you didn’t expect to say so soon.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no end notes, just sadness. 
> 
> I do have a note: in case of confusion... the italics were past tense in Kihyun's POV, the regular text were present tense in Hoseok's POV.


End file.
